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"Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us. Trying to see what he's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking. Like me with the ant hill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants. So, I started smiting all of them. I was smiting them with the garden hose, with lighter fluid, and with the lawn mower. To be perfectly honest I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it. Really, it's the same with us, there's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better. I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!"
"What's terrible Kyle? We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it and we put it up on the internet. Who cares?"
"To paraphrase Shakespeare, "It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.""
"If Angela can get a gay man to marry her maybe I can get a lesbian to marry me."
"Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it."
"In my family you don't really go out and get things, you write it on a list and then the housekeeper goes out and gets it on Wednesdays and Fridays."
"Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?"
"I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and I was hit by a school bus and then again when I heard Li'l Sebastian had passed."
"Andy I need you to write a memorial song. Something like Candle in the Wind but 5,000 times better."
"When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect."
"And Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo scrotum."
"Umm is the sound in dumb. That's what she says to people."
"This phone kind of smells like a butt."
"There is a whole room on the fourth floor filled with knives they confiscated from people going to the fourth floor to stab someone."
"NOO I hate the fourth floor. The last time I was up there I saw someone buy crystal meth out of a vending machine. It's a bad place."
"Sometimes a man can feel like how long his penis is is actually important but is it? When you boys measured your penis length the truth is it doesn't really matter. What does matter is: length times diameter plus weight over girth divided by angle of the tip squared. [((l x d) (w / g))/∠αt^2]"
"Butters I don't have time for this. I can't wait if your wiener is pulling a scared turtle."
"My eyes don't work, paint me a word picture."
"Let's release the lobster back into the supermarket from whence it came."
"Ok, technical problems from last night have been resolved. Hair dryer plus toaster plus waffle iron equals boiling water."
"I think I'm getting loot glutes."
"I'm working on my mating list for when we have to repopulate the world."
"I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went."
"When I flirt it's cute, borderline Smurphy."
"Yeah, I flirt at work, we all do. It's nice to feel desirable, you know? It's harmless fun - like eating grapes at the supermarket or taking your penis out on the subway."
"What I heard shook me harder than my dad did when I was a baby."
"We've got to get her out of there. Babies aren't supposed to sleep on their stomach in a cake."
"Alright class, today's final exam will consist of two parts: oral and anal."
"Now I know some teachers think they're working outside the box when they have class on the lawn. I'm gonna take it a step further - we're gonna do Peyote in the desert."
"But recent years have also seen many important historical events. 1985 brought us the gayest music video of all time."